Thoughts….

I wake up almost every morning with thousands of thoughts running through my head. Some of which I think would make a great blog post. Then my day starts and those thoughts get absorbed into...somewhere and real life comes in. How to start a blog... I've decided to just jump in at the current point in my life (oh, and it's a crazy one) and see how it goes. Bad grammar and all! I'm in the process of getting a divorce. Hopefully it will be final in the next few weeks because it's been crazy. We have (kind of) agreed on a schedule that seems to be working OK. We each have the kids for a week, Monday to Monday. Seems like a long time to be without my kids and also a long time to be with my kids as a single parent but it's working so far. We both see the kids even when they aren't "with" us: dance, scouts, swimming, school events. I've not gone a week without seeing them and their Dad has only had a few weeks where he has not spent at least a bit of time with them. Most importantly the children are handling it as well as can be expected. My issue... For 12 years I've been the at-home parent. My ex was pretty traditional in his views (how a "Free to Be You and Me" raised, child of the first female manager in her company, daughter to a seasonal at-home Dad ended up in that type relationship is still a mystery): he was the "money-maker" so his schedule came first. I did work part-time occasionally, when he wanted me to, but it was difficult because if something (read-anything) came up I was the one picking up the slack. And I was mostly OK with that. It's what I wanted when I decided to stay home with the kids. What I wasn't OK with was him not realizing just how hard it was at times. Perhaps minor but one of my major issues was self-care. If he needed a hair cut he made an appointment and went. If I did I checked his schedule or lined up a babysitter or relied on friends or took them with me. I rarely went to the doctor alone (how I wish I had snapped a picture of my legs in stirrups and a little face peering over my foot wondering what the hell that was...). He has never been at the doctor with anyone but himself. Not blaming him for it all. I let a lot of it happen. So now this... It's Monday. Boys are off to school but our daughter is home sick. With me. It's "his" day but I have her. This has happened before. Part of me doesn't mind. I hate the idea of my kids with a babysitter when they're not well. I also have no idea who he would get to care for them. But he still relies on me to fill in for him when he can't be there. He just hasn't figured out the planning involved in scheduling and juggling. He hasn't had to. I've tried many time over the years to explain how I thought he viewed his time as more important than mine but he never got it.I could go on-and-on but I'll just say that I finally realize he was very, very set in his ways and I could continue to talk, explain, beg, bargain, compromise... but he wasn't going to change. I had to accept it or move on. Well, here I am but I don't feel all that "moved on" to be honest. Do I say "She's sick and can't go to preschool today I'll drop her off to you at 8:15 this morning" and let him figure it out? I'm pretty sure he would give me a hard time about it which I'm afraid would ultimately affect our daughter (understand he is not abusive or neglectful in any way) but maybe not. She loves her Dad and has a great time with him. Maybe to learn to be a parent he actually has to parent during the hard times. Clean the vomit, bring the water at 3 AM, rub a back until your arm wants to fall off. He's said it to me, literally, "V is sick, I'll bring him to you after M gets on the bus". I've not complained, too much. I'm not currently working but am looking. By the fall I hope to be working and enrolled in a MSW program so he's going to have to have a fall-back that's not me. I'm not doing anybody any favors by NOT insisting he find that person now It's just hard to be assertive after almost 17 years of not being that way... It's time though.