We share custody 50/50 with the kids alternating weeks with us. It was my idea and I thought it was a fantastic one.
It's not.
It sucks.
The boys are not doing well in school.
My daughter frequently tells me "I want us all to be in the same house"
I don't get copies of school papers, announcements, invitations, etc. from the week their with their dad.
Per mediation I started sending a weekly email about what went on during the week and any future events that I knew about. No response.
I told him I was going to give him either the originals or copies of all the papers that came in so he could see what was happening and hoped he would do the same. Nope.
Part of me thinks I should let it go but god damn it! I want to know what's going on when my kids aren't with me and I don't.
When I bring this up to their dad he says "You wanted this divorce, you got what you wanted, my anger is justified. I think I'm doing a good job."
And for 6 months I've tried to be patient that they'll get their routine and things will smooth out. Well, it hasn't happened and my kids are suffering.
So I'm going to tell my lawyer I want one of us to have primary custody with the other parent seeing them on weekends and school breaks. I HATE the idea of this schedule but I feel stuck. I also hate the idea that there is a chance I might be the weekend parent but I think asking that I be the primary parent is just asking for a battle that my kids would be dragged into. As I write this I still am not sure I'm doing the right thing but I feel helpless when I watch my kids suffer.
I'm tired of the pettiness. I'm tired of being the only one who thinks school is important. Who thinks they need their teeth cleaned regularly. Who really doesn't want them sitting in front of a TV/Computer/Video System all day.
I think I probably sound whiny and sorry for myself. I'm not. I started this process and I knew it wouldn't be easy. I just didn't realize how mad he would be. He didn't love me, didn't want to try to patch things up, had no interest in doing anything as a couple or a family. I always thought he was just waiting for me to make the first move. I now think he just would have stayed until, well...who knows.
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I got that "you wanted this divorce" line too. Truth is, I initiated because I didn't think things would change and I was sinking.
ReplyDeleteI'm fortunate - I've had pretty much the arrangement you're looking for and it's worked out well.
I don't know how old your children are but can you talk to them about the arrangement and what they would prefer? Can you approach this with your spouse from "what's best for our children?" Can you try to work this out without going through lawyers?
Being the one who emotionally was on your ex's side, let him be mad at you all he wants, but for christ sakes why drag the kids into it?
ReplyDeleteI just called my ex today and asked why she didn't tell me about a paper that had went home to him yesterday I needed to see. She seemed uninterested. I want to know details too but am trying to let go like you said.
As for the every other week, I could never do it. I couldn't go that long not seeing my son. We alternate weekends and then arrange the mid-week in 2 day blocks around the weekends and it has worked well for us and for my son so far.
Divorce blows and there seems to be no easy solution.